Ah! Love! Isn't it grand? Have you ever been "in love"? Sure you have! The majority of us has had the all consuming passions and desires for that special someone. I remember feeling weak at the knees as far back as primary school, but alas! It did not end well and there have been a few malfunctions in the affairs of the heart since then, including the not so frivolous subject of marriage. Yes, I let it get as far as the nuptials before realizing that maybe those alarm bells were intended for me, and "Mr. Right' turned out not to be not so special after all.
How are we to guess the consequences of attaching ourselves to "Mr. Wrong" when we are blinded, and often in a stupor by love? Here is a list of warning signs that will trigger those alarm bells; all you need to do is pay attention.
1) He is possessive. Is he alienating you from your family and friends? No, it's not sweet that he wants you all to himself. It is not healthy for him to control your every move; you are an individual who was not born attached to someone else's hip, nor should you be now.
2) Enjoys putting you down, especially in front of other people. Don't ever buy it when he says, "I was only joking!" It isn't funny, not for you and not for others witnessing the attack.
3) He suggests you modify your appearance. Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist from Canada. She tells the story of a potential partner who turned out to be not so nice, "You know something is wrong when a new man suggests you change something about yourself. I once dated a man and on the second date he asked if I would change my highlighted brown hair to red as he found red heads to be the sexiest of all women. If I had changed my hair color that would have been the beginning of many more manipulations where I gave away control of my Self. I would have given him power and acted as if I wasn't confident about how I look."
4) He loves taking the guys with him on your dates! How could you possibly put up with even one pal of his, who is bound to be inebriated by the end of the night along with Prince Charming, whom by this stage will more than likely be totally obnoxious and oblivious of your presence?
Judy Bolton and Wendy Bolton Floyd are sisters. They co-authored a great book titled "When Did You Know...He Was Not The One." Judy talked to me about the time she was attached to a man who cared more for his pals than his relationship, "I was married to my husband who unfortunately thought his friends and acquaintances were more important than his life with me and our two sons. It's one thing when you're a teenager and your friends are the most important thing in your life but when you're a mature adult and would rather hang out with your friends than assume adult responsibility than there is definitely a problem."
Hear that? It's those bells tolling...
5) He is difficult to get hold of. "When a man gets defensive about where he has been and who he has been with and gives weak excuses for being absent or very late a warning bell needs to be heard. If the man stopped for a haircut or to have his car washed there is no need for it to take half a day or for it to be a secret. While a suspicious attitude can frighten a man, being open and honest about his activities is a sign of not having secrets to hide", says Marilyn.
6) Avoids your friends and family and will not introduce you to his. What are the secrets that he is keeping? Perhaps he may fear your loved ones "may spot the creep" and warn you against him, or maybe, he just doesn't care! Bells will ring if you find there is a lot of mystery about his background. If you do encounter his loved ones keep an eye for their characters, it will say a lot about him too.
7) He is constantly complaining about money, or he is a miser with his finances. It does not equate happiness to be attached to someone who will question every penny you spend, especially when it's your own hard earned money! It is also a good idea to watch out for a guy who is absolutely hopeless with cash, wastes his own and then turns to you for loans, which of course are rarely repaid.
8) He is generally rude, especially to service people such as waiters and shop assistants. Does he anger easily? Watch out! This is a man with problems, who is not nice as you will more than likely discover later on as you pick your shattered heart off the floor or worse feel trapped in fear of him.
9) Now this is a big one! The tan mark: left hand, ring finger... Hello? Here go those bells again! He may tell you he is separated. He may not be lying, but if he is serious about you, I would suggest he takes a walk and returns to you with signed divorce papers, which brings me to the subject of children if he has any. Get very clear in regards as to when they visit, what the custody arrangements are and what his relationship boundaries are with the ex.
Of course if you have kids, please be very careful. It is not just your heart at risk here; children can be just as affected by break-ups.
10) He is not all that interested in sex. "A lack of interest in sex is a sign to be wary of if a woman is looking for a sexual partner. Many women seek well dressed and groomed men yet fail to ask if the man has had homosexual experiences. Often a gay man will seek out a powerful and beautiful woman as a cover for his sexual preference. He is not interested in her sexually but does want her as a cover”, says Marilyn. Gay men can make the best of friends, but romance? Be realistic. Hear this loud and clear. You cannot change him! It is up to the individual to reinvent himself, and in regards to his sexuality, that is something not even he can change. Of course a preoccupation with sex is a warning sign. Does he prefer lingerie at all times? Go for man that can appreciate warmer clothing, and is not overly concerned with how you look.
11) He suffers from constant blues unless he is in party mode. Big, big worry this one! Alcohol and substance abuse are not pretty and a co-dependant life is not a joyous one. If he is not happy unless he's high it becomes a deal breaker: "Get sober and stay sober on your own for the next 2 years, then call me and I am still available we'll talk." Seriously!
12) He puts his work before you most of the time. Since when is anything more important than you? If you don't believe you are to be number one at all times, you may need a little help to see that before you enter a relationship.
13) A bad sign is a guy who has an awful lot of exes who of course happen to be female (I hope) and are still hanging around and he claims that "it's okay for men and women to be just friends, so stop being so insecure." I once dated a man who was commitment phobic (oops, I hear bells again!) and on our second year, when I questioned his intentions towards me he accused me of being insecure and I bought it. So much so that I apologized to him! Do you believe it? I woke up to myself shortly thereafter and needless to say we were duly over. Who needs an idiot who says he loves you, but wants to keep his options open? "We need to see other people, no need to be exclusive." Rubbish! Don't ever settle for that unless it is what you want also.
14) You are always making excuses for him. You shouldn't have to do that. Watch out for the guy who gets defensive when you question him. "Attacks in responses to your questions needs to set of an alarm that this man is not accountable for his actions", says Marilyn.
15) Finally, trust your intuition. You know that gut feeling; the one that tells you that all is not well? Don't ignore it. It's more than likely more trustworthy than any man. If a male makes you feel anxious, insecure sad and generally feel not so good about yourself, stop and listen and you will certainly hear the sound of those bells. Remember, relationships, romantic or otherwise are to enhance your life, not make it more difficult.
I challenge you to consider this; the right person for you to fall in love with right now is you. It is only when you truly care about yourself that you will make only the best choices and have the clear vision to see through deception and unacceptable behavior.
One more thing; run for the hills should those bells start ringing!
X-Ray Numbers - The Guide To Your Soulmate
How come I love him but can't live with him? eBook
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