I Am Back!

I have not posted on my blog for a really long time. So much has happened and yet nothing has really changed. External factors such as illness, family issues and computer problems have prevented me from writing and, although my hassles are not over just yet I have been really missing my favourite pastime.


It all began with the news that a close relative’s gruelling chemotherapy sessions has failed and there is nothing else doctors can do, “It is up to God now,” they all said and for the first time in years I had to wonder why He wasn’t listening when I had been praying so hard.

I have been talking to God a lot lately asking for my loved one’s health to improve and for a sense of direction especially in regards to my writing and finding a way to increase our finances. My blog has been a lot of fun but unfortunately, it has not contributed towards the bills, so it has had to take a step back, which has not been helped by the fact that my desktop Pc is on its way to Pc Heaven; freezing programs and shutting down on me on a regular basis; it would usually happen while creating a new document which would not save with the uninvited shut down.

“I’ve got to keep writing!” I pleaded to my husband who reluctantly agreed to the purchase of a rather overpriced laptop. I was so excited; there wouldn’t be any reason for me not to come up with masterpieces now!

Well I am on to my third laptop in two weeks. The first one was a demo one, which we purchased with a couple of hundred dollars discount only to bring it home and discover scratches and dents all over it. We returned it, payed $250 extra and arrived home with a brand new model that had never been out of the box. I woke up the following day eager to share my thoughts and start typing.

Well, here I was, downloading, installing and organizing documents and all ready to begin my next piece of award winning literature when curiosity got the better of me and I pressed what I now know is called a media button, just to see where it would take me. It ended up being nowhere. “That’s strange,” I thought, “A button to no man’s land.” This led to the retrieval of the user’s guide which stated in plain English that the media button should definitely lead to an interesting DVD and CD entertainment program. Of course I would never experience the pleasure of “surround sound and clear sharp images” because I had no way of entering the program.

To cut a very long and stressful story short, 15 phone calls and 5 driver downloads later I had to do a system recovery on my computer which meant of course that everything would be deleted and I would have to basically start over again, It was time consuming but I was promised that my problem would be fixed and I would be off and running again. I stayed up until 12.45 in the morning re-installing all my data and just as I finished and was ready to go to bed; I wondered again how the button would go. I pressed it and, you guessed it, it didn’t work! So the next day I waited for some red tape document to be emailed to me so that I could obtain a new machine, which of course resulted in another system recovery! Aghh!! Hours of blood, sweat and lots of tears. The media button problem was eventually resolved only to be followed by backup issues and Internet blockages.

Bear in mind that I have been inconvenienced by another two computers in the past and I’m starting to believe that there really is such a thing as curse.

It is a lot more difficult to deal with life’s s annoyances when we are overtired, stressed and trying to cope with more than one crisis at a time.

I know that in the scheme of things my life is certainly not as tragic as some, although this particular time is a difficult one. We flew to the other side of the country to visit our sick relative who we may not see again. We returned home, my husband became unwell and had to take time off from a job he had been in for only a couple of weeks and, as I gingerly phoned his boss to inform him that his newest employee would not be coming in, I began to worry about our finances should my partner become unemployed, which of course fuelled my misery about not earning and providing for the household. I am so thankful that I have had time at home with my daughter where I could be present for every milestone but a big part of me misses the independence of earning my own money.

As things kept going amiss I became more and more depressed and began to feel more and more disillusioned about something I often write about and that is faith.

That is the problem right there, faith. It’s not that I do not believe; it’s that I began seeing God as someone who hates me. I would never dispute the fact there is a God, I know He exists all right; I’m just not so sure about how He feels about me, because all these situations in my life feel a lot like a slow torture, especially the computer nuisances, a bit like being pecked to death; you fix something and another thing goes wrong, you talk to a help desk in India somewhere and discuss your situation with someone who is very nice but you fail to understand each other’s accents and so it continues until you break and burst into uncontrollable sobbing tears much to the dismay of your family who are wondering, “Never knew she was a drama queen, heck, it’s only a computer, there are more serious things in life to get upset about..”

I am upset and distressed and it is not about the computer. It is about the fear of abandonment that comes when my prayers have not been answered for a long time, even when I change my requests. Where is God? Why is He doing this to me? Although I fear the uncertain future without our sick loved one I know that as a family we’ll pull together and we’ll get through this tragedy.

I find that at times when our plate is full with the big things it takes just one more problem even of a lesser nature like a broken PC to push us over the edge; it is not about lack of money or stress. It is about low self esteem and lack of faith.

The only thing to do, I think, is to put one foot in front of the other, always do my best, learn from mistakes, put them behind me and look for the good, because every situation will have some positive in it, although sometimes it is more difficult to see it.

I’m sure things will improve, they always do. In the meantime I have to work on rebuilding my relationship with the Universe so I can go on with the knowledge that I am not alone and everything that happens is for a reason.


I believe that, I really do.