The Dalai Lama on Happiness

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." - Dalai Lama...

Happiness. We all strive for it. What will make us happy? I know speaking for myself I can come up with quite a few things with money being at the top of the list. Sometimes what causes us to be depressed is trying to achieve a goal when the odds seem to be stacked against us.

Dr Howard C. Cutler is the co-author of ‘The Art of Happiness-A Handbook For Living.’ This book is by Dr Cutler and His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

I bought the book on a particularly dreary day. Although I am a firm believer that each of us creates our world from the inside out, at this particular time there were some external things that no amount of meditation or positive self talk could remedy. I had lack, illness and hatred in my life and I felt powerless to amend my circumstances. I was in low spirits as I picked up the book and began to browse through it.

Opening it at random I came across a page in the chapter titled ‘Facing Suffering’. As the book consists of Eastern and Western philosophies on the art of happiness (Dr Cutler met with His Holiness during several private meetings) I was struck by the Dalai Lama’s practical response to the issue of dealing with affliction in life, “There’s really no avoiding the fact that suffering is part of life. And of course we have a natural tendency to dislike our sufferings and problems. But I think that ordinary people don’t view the very nature of our existence to be characterized by suffering…, he said and continued with a laugh, “I mean on your birthday people usually say ‘Happy Birthday!’ when actually the day of your birth was the birth of your suffering. But nobody says ‘Happy Birth-Of-Suffering day!”

"There you have it," I thought, "not even the Dalai Lama can avoid the torment and pain that comes with living. Pretty depressing realization if you ask me!" Of course when I eventually began to read the book I did learn all about the choices that we all have in regards to how we feel and our ability to change how we perceive things.

The Dalai Lama does not disagree that having enough money, friends etc .can be a source of pleasure although he believes that one can have very little money or be in poor health and still be happy. He often quotes the ‘mind factor’ and that we may not always experience intense bliss but we can still become a lot more content than we are right now. He deems having a calm state of mind a more valuable asset and contributor to long lasting happiness than feelings of ecstasy. So it is a matter of training the mind. There has been a lot written and talked about in regards to mind training and cognitive therapy and the like and I have often wondered how someone so spiritually evolved lives each and every day with all the ups and downs that come with life.

The first item in the book is titled ‘The Right To Happiness.’ Each one of us has a right to live joyfully and the Dalai Lama claims that anyone can coach his or her mind to achieve contentment. When asked what is the purpose of existence he replied, “Happiness.”

In the West we have perceived happiness as intangible and indefinable. Dr Cutler says that the word ‘happy’ is derived from the Icelandic word ‘happ’ which means luck or chance so to the majority of Westerners happiness is not something you can educate your psyche to achieve. Nevertheless the psyche is exactly what the Dalai Lama refers to, “When I say ‘training the mind’, in this context I’m not referring to ‘mind’ merely as one’s cognitive ability or intellect. Rather I’m using the term in the sense of the Tibetan word ‘Sem’, which has a broader meaning, closer to ‘psyche’ or ‘spirit’; it includes intellect and feeling , heart and mind. By bringing about a certain inner discipline, we can undergo a transformation of our attitude, our entire outlook and approach to living.”

This is one of my favourite quotes by His Holiness:
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

The Dalai Lama says that one of the ways towards gratification is reaching out to others therefore practicing ‘Karuna’ “Karuna is when you do something good without expectations, even without knowing the other person.”

His Holiness says that when you feel angry, your mind is divided in two parts, one is the angry part and the other is the observer attempting to scrutinize. This means that anger cannot dominate the entire mind. Objective viewing may help to recognize a way of dealing with the rage. When you feel resentment toward another ask, “Who is this person? Is he a body, or is he a mind?” Because there is no answer, the anger will dissipate.

Human nature is such that the more we have the more we desire. A way to true riches is teaching ourselves to want less and by practicing gratitude and expressing thanks for what we do have instead of we may feel is lacking.

An important aspect of fulfillment is self knowledge. Knowing what it is that makes your heart sing and devise a plan to incorporate more of that in your life. Strength is required as you may risk feeling ‘different’ from other people. Remember you have the right to do whatever you like (within reason) as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else.

I think it is an advantage to mix with like minded and positive people. Sadness is contagious and so is happiness.

We must be gentle on ourselves, take care of our bodies and become our own best friend. Too often we can be extremely hard on ourselves. A little selfishness and saying ‘no’ more often doesn’t go astray and a good laugh every now and again is soul food.

What about Nirvana? Didn’t the Buddha sit under that famous tree until he attained it? The Dalai Lama claims that it is indeed possible to eliminate all negative emotions but let us focus on contentment for now.

Toward the end of the book His Holiness discussed meditating on nonconceptuality, “This is not a mere state of dullness, or a blanked-out state of mind. Rather what you should do is, first of all, generate the determination that ‘I will maintain a state without conceptual thoughts," he said. In other words meditation training will eventually be beneficial in ‘stilling the mind.’ He states that at first there will be what feels like a sense of ‘absence’ as we withdraw our focus from the external, but with constant meditative practice we will eventually acquire lucidity and radiance as we learn to recognize the value of the natural state of the mind without fleeting thoughts and as we become adept at this we can remain in this state longer and longer.

It is a journey worth taking. If we let go of outwardly concept and centre on the natural state of mind we can attain nirvana right here and now.

Rise – An Inspiring Story

I wrote an article a while back called Choice Your Ultimate Freedom The piece is about the control that each of us has over our thoughts and how we always have the choice to decide whether to be happy or not. Since then I came across the story of Ingrid Poulson who is a living case in point of how the spirit can choose to overcome the most tragic circumstances imaginable and go on.

This story is sad and I am sharing it, not to depress but to demonstrate the potency of the human spirit. This tale is about a young woman and a four minute incident that changed everything.

Her father Peter and her two children, four year old Marilyn (‘Malee’) and 23 month old Sebastian (‘Bas’) are her best memories, “My children were loving and beautifully naughty. I would cry with love for them as they slept. Dad was my inspiration. Their lives were so full, so happy. I remember the good. The bad thing that happened to them took only four minutes,” she told ‘The Australian Women’s Weekly’ in an interview published earlier this month. (If you live in Australia you may have read this interview. I have obtained Ingrid’s quotes from there.)

The ‘bad’ thing that Ingrid is referring to occurred on the 15th September 2003 in a suburb west of Sydney, Australia. Her husband Phithak Kongsom (a.ka. Neung) killed her father and her two children by stabbing them and eventually ended his own life after attempting to kill his wife.

Ingrid and Neung separated after she noticed the change from “sweet and mild mannered” to aggressive and controlling. He did not appreciate Ingrid’s independence; she was working and studying at University and he demanded for her to stay at home and take care of the domestic duties, although he spent money they did not have recklessly, such as borrowing $41,000 to buy two motorbikes plunging them into serious debt.

He was served an Apprehended Violence Order in August 2003 which forbade him to loom anywhere near Ingrid and the kids. Up until then Neung had been harassing her with threatening notes and phone calls. He held a knife against Malee’s throat outside her Kindy one day; a far cry from their initial meeting at the American University Alumni Language Center in Chang Mai where Ingrid was teaching English and Neung, a mature aged student in her class, pursued her and begged her to go out with him. “His courting was very romantic,” she says.

They married and moved to Australia where Neung, with his Education Degree had high hopes of obtaining a good job in finance, but did not succeed as his English was not up to the standard required. He took a job as a postman instead.

Their problems began to surface shortly after Bas, their younger child was born. Cultural differences and Neung’s growing anger fuelled their increasing arguments.

The night before the tragedy Neung had shown up at Ingrid’s house brandishing a 30 cm kitchen knife. After tying her to a bed and raping her, he screamed with rage and told her that if she did not return to him he would kill them both. To save her life Ingrid agreed and told him she would return to him providing he found a job, so he left.

The next morning Ingrid phoned the Police to report that Neung had broken the AVO and attacked and threatened her. The officer explained that evidence was required in order to investigate. The Police came to the house and accompanied her to the hospital as to substantiate evidence of the rape. Ingrid left the children with her father Peter.

She inadvertently left her mobile phone behind which caused her dad to answer it when Neung made yet another call. Peter harshly told him to go away and that his daughter had gone to the police. “That was the trigger…”said Ingrid.

When she arrived at the house she discovered her father’s body along with the children’s on the driveway. Her Dad slouched over a broom, the only weapon he could find to protect his grandchildren. Although bleeding from self inflicted wounds Neung lunged toward Ingrid in an attempt to kill her too. She fought him hard until gunfire ceased the struggle. The Police had arrived and were forced to shoot.

Ingrid was physically uninjured and has managed to hold on emotionally and succeed despite her horrible experience. Her mother Janice and sister Rebecca are always by her side whenever she needs them.

Initially she spent a lot of time trying to figure out what would make any human being so disturbed as to commit such horrific acts. Ingrid told the magazine, “…a wise policeman told me, 'Stop searching for an answer. To understand where Neung was, you have to put yourself in that terrible place and you don’t need to go there.’ I thought ‘Thank you.’ I don’t need to visit that place.”

She went through a heart breaking time of grief and guilt and she says the sense of loss was also physical in the early days. The only thing she will always live with is ‘survivor’s guilt' which she feels is a primal way for any parent to feel under similar circumstances.

It is not the first time she has had to endure enormous sorrow. Her brother Adrian committed suicide when she was 21 and at the time she did not cope well. She lost weight by not bothering to eat properly and would drink too much. She decided this time around that was not going to be the way.

Unless you have experienced such grief I guess you can only imagine the agony. What has struck me about this woman, aside from her awful ordeal, is her belief in her own survival. “Events happen despite you, you can’t choose what befalls you. You can control how you respond,” she says. Her favourite aphorism is Aristotle’s “You are what you repeatedly do.”

In due course the “not coping days” dwindled and she began by taking good physical care of her body as she believes that looking after your body helps heal the mind, and made goals for herself to aspire to. From there she decided to have a social life again, travel and allow her best self to shine through. She has resolved to avoid all negativity. All my life my nickname has been ‘Smiley’,” she told ‘The Weekly’, “and, after everything it still is. People smile at me and I don’t know why, until I realise that I’m smiling at them.”

She delights in everyday pleasures such as drinking a good cup of coffee, Coldplay CDs, flowers and giving to others. “Coffee is not something that I just gulp down,” she says, “I savour my daily ritual of sitting in a café and treating myself to a cup. I stockpile every moment and return to it in my mind when I need to. I believe in the extricable link between physical, emotional and mental wellbeing.”

She speaks to her father and his grandchildren everyday and early in the morning she often feels Malee laying beside her in her bed “I hear their laughter …My kids are with me, that’s the only way I can put it…It’s my job to find happiness. The sadness will always be there, I can’t do anything about that, but I have happiness, too, if I choose.” She has promised to honour their lives by living “the happiest and most fulfilling way she can.”

Ingrid Poulson has even found romance again and would not dismiss the idea of having another child. She runs her company called 'Steadfast Training.' The business provides assistance to people dealing with high stress jobs and has now authored a life changing book aptly titled ‘Rise’. She says that it is her story told in a way as to provide self help for people dealing with overwhelming circumstances and grief.

What a gift this woman, who has survived the unimaginable, has given us with her words! Her parents raised her to be a contented optimistic person and, as her mum put it, Ingrid has already had the very worst day of her life and things have to get better from now on.

There is so much we can learn from this tragic story of survival and resilience of the spirit. I will be sure to buy a copy of ‘Rise’. I don’t want the inspiration to end. I wish Ingrid and her family all the very best.




A Gift Of Poetry

Simple Steps That Lead To Happiness

I have spent a great deal of my life searching for happiness. I have primarily looked for it in romantic relationships, which only concluded in divorce, certainly not in money or possessions, because fortunately I am not particularly materialistic and I struggled for years to change my wonderfully dysfunctional family until one day I stopped and watched my child at play. It occurred to me that we are reborn every single day and we are given a chance to start over and be a better person. This awareness along with someone to love and hold is the foundation of a joyful existence. I have condensed my new found insight into the 8 steps to contentment and making friends with the life you've actually got.

1) Discipline & setting goals. Steve Pavlina is someone who has written some interesting facts about self discipline. He has authored over 500 personal development articles. He ended up in jail at age 19 for grand theft and felony and discovered upon his arrival home after jail time that he had been expelled from school. It was January 1991 and it was there and then he made the decision his life had to change. He started college and graduated in three semesters in Computer Science and Mathematics. He went on to become a successful business man, (he is the founder of Dexterity Software, a popular computer game) an entrepreneur, who now dedicates his time to his website “Steve Pavlina.com. Personal development for smart people”. He has a good acronym for discipline he calls “A WHIP” being acceptance, willpower, hard work and industrial persistence. Delaying gratification that is doing the most difficult things first, good time management and persistence are a great start to developing good self discipline without which almost nothing will ever be accomplished.

In his book “A Road Less Traveled” Dr M Scott Peck states, "Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with. It is the only decent way to live.”

Setting goals for yourself will bring a sense of purpose and satisfaction to your life. Be careful though to set realistic goals. Leo Babauta, the creator of the blog “Zen Habits. Net” has a philosophy in regards to goal setting, "I believe that goals - especially ones that are worth reaching - are ultimately achieved through the building of good habits.”

2) Order & simplify your life. Having order is essential so one can feel control over one's life. Start by cleaning up your environment and your living space and remove all clutter. Clean up your body and begin to introduce healthier patterns such as a good diet and exercise which can release endorphins and this will dramatically improve mood, this is where a good dose of self discipline will come in handy. Simplify your life style by “decluttering”. This includes time spent on things and people that are just not enriching your life in any way. Leo Babauta claims simplicity is crucial, "I have become fairly frugal, and have reduced a lot of clutter in my life. A little at a time, gradually getting better, but I'm pretty happy with the simplicity of my house and the rest of my life."

3) Live in the NOW. Living in the present moment is a Buddhist concept to teach us not to let slip life slip away. Dr Phil McGraw says, "The past is over the future hasn't happened yet therefore the only moment we have is now." Eckhart Tolle is the author of wonderful books titled "The power of Now" and "Practicing the Power Of Now". The aim is to free ourselves from “enslavement of mind” and wake up to a different state of consciousness by quieting our thoughts and live entirely in the present. Be mindful of each and every moment especially time with loved ones. Life is made up by a series of moments and good or bad they all pass, so it would be a shame to waste the good ones. Saviour each and every hour as though it may be your last and you will find yourself living a much fuller life. To surrender and detach yourself from material things is useful in order to center yourself and look at the world from the inside out and truly live in the present. When faced with unpleasant tasks it can be helpful to break the task down and get through one thing at a time instead of looking at the bigger picture which can be overwhelming.

4) Fear less, hope more and develop a sense of humor. “If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system." Dr Wayne W.Dyer Your Erroneous Zones. Dr Dyer also says that guilt and worry are useless emotions. Let's face it the past cannot be undone and the future has yet to happen and although planning things through is certainly sensible, we don't have that much control over outcomes so instead of worrying let's assure ourselves that whatever happens we will be able to handle it.

A sense of humor is essential in this life. A good laugh is most of the time the best therapy. Healthy laughter is physiological, spiritual and psychological gift. Dr Annette Gooheart PhD author of “Laughter Therapy How To Laugh About Everything In Your Life That Isn't Really Funny” says that laughing increases intellectual performance and information retention.

5) Love yourself and others. It sounds cliché but being your own best friend can be a challenge, especially if you have low self esteem issues and have not received unconditional nurturing as a child. You cannot change your parents or whoever has not treated you as you would like. All that is left to do now is to give to yourself what you have missed out on. The best way to practice love is by giving. From here you will develop the ability to extend love to others. The better you feel about you the lesser your need of approval from other people. "Needing approval is tantamount to saying, your view of me is more important than my own opinion of myself" says Dr Wayne W. Dyer. Don't be afraid to spend a little time by yourself and get to know who you really are and give yourself the gift of an authentic life. Steve Irwin (22 February 1962 - 4 September 2006), the popular Australian “croc” man was a fine example of an authentic life lived to the full doing what made his heart sing.

6) Be curious and never ever stop learning. Bruce Duncan Perry M.D. PhD Medical Director, “Provincial Programs in Children's Mental Health” for the Alberta Mental Health Board claims there are three common ways adults constrain curiosity so obvious in children 1) fear 2) disapproval 3) absence. Fear and disapproval are the more obvious ones. Kids respond to our own fears and biases. If we convey disapproval or fear over say the bugs the child has caught the curiosity toward this will be diminished. Absence of a caring adult takes away the sense of safety as a child sets out to feed his or her curiosity. We can never be full or complete when it comes to knowledge. Opening of the mind is one of the most satisfying and fulfilling habits one can develop such as spending a certain amount of time each day reading. Books can come alive and enrich our experiences.

7) Talk less listen more. "We should all know this: that listening, not talking, is the gifted and great role, and the imaginative role. And the true listener is much more beloved, magnetic than the talker, and he is more effective and learns more and does more good." - Brenda Ueland author and columnist (1892-1985) from one of her essays "Strength To Your Sword Arm: Selected Writings by Brenda Uelan.” Listening truly is an art and not as easy as it sounds. As Brenda Ueland has written, learning to live in the present moment and to truly focus on another's words requires a lot of practice. She said "Watch your self-assertiveness. And give it up. Remember, it is not enough just to will to listen to people. One must really listen. Only then does the magic begin."

8) Be grateful. “If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is Thank You, it will be enough" (Meister Eckhart). Sarah Breathnack created a wonderful book called “Simple Abundance Journal Of Gratitude”. The idea is at the end of each day to list 5 things that you are grateful for. It is a life changing exercise to do this. It will help you to focus on all the positive things in your life and to say Thank You is one of the most powerful prayers. It will also teach you to appreciate the people in your life.

"We give of ourselves when we give gifts of the heart: Love, kindness, joy, understanding, sympathy, tolerance, forgiveness." From The Art of Giving by Wilfred A. Peterson.