Reasons To Keep Your Distance From A "Momma's Boy"

Allow me to tell you a story about the handsome young man and the desperate girl. It is a true story and I can convey to you every detail precisely as it occurred because this dismal tale is my adventure.

I have withheld his real name because at this stage of my life I do not need to hear from him, his lawyers or worse his mother! For the purpose if this account I will call him Tony.

I met Tony in an Australian pub on a Sunday afternoon. Shortly after my arrival there I spotted my friend; a young woman I will call Janice whom I had met at my new job. Being the demonstrative type she shrieked when she saw me and leaped towards me arms wide, smiling while blowing air kisses to me. Janice was ecstatic to see me apparently! She gestured toward the handsome young man and all I noticed was his eyes; very green, very hypnotic on a striking face. He was extremely good looking but I did not fall in love with him straight away. I don’t remember being introduced to him. I did not immediately recollect his face the next time I bumped into him but I recognized those eyes.

I had just returned from a backpacking trip overseas and because I had been away a long time I had lost touch with many of my old friends so when I met Janice I jumped at the idea of meeting new people and building some kind of social life.

I regularly met up with Janice and her boyfriend Gary who introduced me to his old school buddies; Tony was one of them. I spent many weekends with them and got to know Tony quite well although, at first, I did not feel a great deal of attraction toward him. Janice, Gary, his friends and I went out to clubs on a regular basis and I can honestly say we had a ball.

One night after a night of heavy partying the gang returned to my flat where I had been living alone. We drank, smoked weird stuff and played a strange game of charades when out of the blue Tony kissed me; just like that. I wanted to react and shout “What the hell do you think you are doing?” but that kiss was like no other. It had not been love at first sight for Tony and me until that moment. That kiss opened up my heart and he moved right in! When everybody went home I was left half drunk, bleary eyed and bewildered. What had just happened? It was one stupid kiss, which is all that took place between us that night. The one kiss that changed everything.

I didn’t seem him again until the following weekend and for the next few months we always went out as a group. He would kiss me passionately at the end of each night. No words, no communication. Nothing but a lingering goodnight kiss.

One night during one of our outings the guys in our circle got into an argument with some thugs which resulted in Tony’s car tyres getting slashed. We found ourselves stranded so we caught a taxi to Gary’s place and decided to spend the night there while he and Tony planned to return the next morning to change the tyres and collect the car from the club car park. I don’t know how it happened and I know I was not overly inebriated but Tony and I ended sharing Gary’s spare room and it was in that room that the most passionate, painful and draining love relationship began.

We were together for two years and in that time I was not ever included in any of his family events. In the beginning I spent a lot of time at his house while his parents were away on holiday in Greece where they originated from. We had a great time. For two months, I visited him often and while on vacation from work I spent an entire week with him.

We would talk, read, paint and listen to music together. We seemed to have so much in common. I was happy and I knew by then that for me it was love. I looked forward to each and everyday so I could see him until the phone call came that his parents were on their way back home.

His family returned and I was no longer welcome at the house because his mother wouldn’t have it. I knew she didn’t like me the very first time I met her. I had a strong feeling that I just didn’t measure up. She was a small Greek woman quite ignorant and void of any manners. She would just look at me with distaste and her eyes surveyed every inch of me starting from my feet to the top of my head. I was not Greek and I had been married before and in her culture that made me “a woman of ill repute”.

On the rare occasions that I would visit she ignored me and would talk to who ever was in the room about me as if I wasn’t there chatting about how wonderful it would be if Tony met a nice Greek girl. He did nothing about it; not one word to his mum about how she treated me. I ignored the warning bells.

I eventually got tired of her and suggested that he move in with me so we would be free of his mum and live like grown ups, but alas! There was only one grown up in this relationship along with an overprotective witch and a little boy.

On the day we had planned for him to move in he turned up and explained to me that he would have to wait as his mother collapsed upon hearing the news of our decision and a doctor had to be called only to confirm that she was indeed fine. Tony said we would have to wait otherwise she would cut off his allowance. By the way did I mention he did not have a job? He was studying, living with his parents and taking a weekly allowance from mummy dearest.

We continued to see each other at my place and whenever I suggested going away for a weekend together he would respond with, “Oh!Uhm! I don’t think Mum is going to like that!” “Are you serious?” was my reply, “You are 28 years old!” But he was serious; he was very serious and very inconsiderate towards me such as the time he invited me to his brother’s birthday party at the house and refused to come and pick me up because it would upset his mother. So I drove myself and you can imagine how comfortable I felt from the minute I rang the doorbell!

I would call him sometimes and she would answer the phone and inform me that “It was not a good idea for him to come and speak to me, because he had study to do and didn’t I talk to him yesterday?”

The handsome young man was just a little boy. A boy who could not let go of mama’s apron strings and when I finally gave him an ultimatum to choose between us he begged me not to leave him and suggested we get engaged immediately and he would stand up to his mother. We arranged to meet for lunch and choose a ring the very next day. I selected a beautiful white diamond solitaire and in my heart I thought I had won him; that feeling lasted until dinner time.

He arrived at my apartment shortly after 6.30 p.m. and as he held my hand in order to place the ring on my finger he pulled away and said,” I can’t do this to her, I just can’t” All I remember is yelling something like “Get out” before the flood of tears came and stayed with me for 3 days.

That was the last time I ever saw Tony.

I ran into him 10 years later in a restaurant. He was having lunch with his children. I looked around to see where his wife was as I saw a woman approach the table. Curiously I looked closer and I recognized her immediately. It was his mother. I breathed a sigh of relief. Yes I dodged a bullet alright!


How to Tell if You Are Dating a Momma's Boy

• Does he live with his parents?
• Is he financially independent?
• Does he often cancel plans due to his mother’s disapproval?
• Does he listen to her advice before asking you for yours?
• Are you excluded from his family events?
• If she calls him does he drop everything (including you) to attend to her
call?
• Does he stand up for you if she is being less than polite towards you?
• Does she answer his cell phone?

If you have answered yes to any of the above take a step back and examine the relationship very carefully.

Things To Look For In A First First Date

There is something quite daunting about going out with someone for the very first time. You make more effort than usual with your appearance, you anxiously wait for him to come to your door to pick you up, you nervously say "hello" and you head off on your first romantic rendezvous.

So many things can turn a magical night into a complete disaster. Like the poor soul who went out to dinner with a man and in the middle of what she thought was an interesting, lively conversation, she found she was talking to a man who was asleep, brought to her attention by the sudden drop of his head towards his plate. Another unfortunate girl went out with a guy who spent all night talking in sordid detail about how much he loves dirty massages and later proceeded to go to the bathroom in front of his date in the alley when they walked outside the restaurant. Ughh! This one makes one want to take a shower.

These are some of the horror stories ladies are sharing on the web. These tales depict obvious signs that the man may not be the greatest catch, but what about more subtle clues? Do you know what to be wary of on that first date?

1) He takes a friend on the date.

Why would a mature man need his buddy when taking a lady out unless he was still in high school?

2) He appears intoxicated or high.

If a man necessitates alcohol or drugs to cope with anything it is a clue that there is a potential for serious issues that are not worth getting involved with. Life with someone who has a chemical dependency is grueling.

3) Appears suspiciously nervous.

Butterflies are normal on a first date but extreme fidgeting and nervousness is a good reason to be wary. Has he double booked the date? Is he cheating on someone? Is he wanted by the police?

4) He's very friendly to a lot of women.

No need to panic with this one as he may just have a lot of female friends which is not a bad thing as it demonstrates that he gets along well with women, but be on your guard as this could also mean he may be a player.

5) He flirts with the waitress or asks someone else to dance.

This is where you must not make excuses for him. He is not being friendly. You deserve better than a guy that will not give you his undivided attention especially on the first date!

6) He's rude.

Do you want to go everywhere a second time just to apologize for his behavior?

7) Tells you straight away that he is not looking for something serious or tells you immediately that he is looking for a wife.

He may be a "commitaphobic" or plain desperate. Either way, statements like these indicate someone who is afraid and possibly emotionally immature.

8) Talks a lot about his ex or tells you he came out of a relationship last month.

Be warned! He may not be over his previous relationship and this scenario spells D.A.N.G.E.R. Most people need time to recover from a broken relationship especially a long term one. You don't want to be the "rebound" girl.

9) Talks constantly about himself.

It's not "all about me" it should be about "us".

10) Does not appear to listen to what you have to say.

This is just plain rude. See warning no 9. A guy like this seems to care a little too much about himself. To be distracted when someone is conversing with you reveals selfishness and disrespect.

11) Says he doesn't like kids.

This is fine if you don't have any desire to ever procreate, but an observation such as this one on a first date implies fear and childishness. (Pardon the pun).

12) He's 35 and still lives with his parents.

You've got to ask why? A moocher perhaps? Too juvenile to get his own place? Beware...

13) He invites you to dinner and expects you to pay.
Has he "forgotten his wallet?" Does he take a calculator out of his pocket to check the bill and proceeds to itemize everything he consumed? Some believe that if a man extends an invitation for a meal he should be the one to pay for it, although splitting the tab is fine. Look out for a man who appears too attached to his money.

14) Glances at himself in mirrors and windows.

He is obviously a self involved jerk.

15) Expects to have sex with you at the end of the evening and gets angry if you refuse.

This may be the same man who says is not looking for a serious relationship. Immature, fearful and just not very nice. The type you should definitely avoid.

"Why do I keep meeting these jerks?" you ask. Hate to break it to you, but you probably always will, the idea is not to give them a second date! Look at it this way: bad dates are not failures, they are lucky escapes!

15 Signs You May Be in Love with Mr. Wrong

Ah! Love! Isn't it grand? Have you ever been "in love"? Sure you have! The majority of us has had the all consuming passions and desires for that special someone. I remember feeling weak at the knees as far back as primary school, but alas! It did not end well and there have been a few malfunctions in the affairs of the heart since then, including the not so frivolous subject of marriage. Yes, I let it get as far as the nuptials before realizing that maybe those alarm bells were intended for me, and "Mr. Right' turned out not to be not so special after all.

How are we to guess the consequences of attaching ourselves to "Mr. Wrong" when we are blinded, and often in a stupor by love? Here is a list of warning signs that will trigger those alarm bells; all you need to do is pay attention.

1) He is possessive. Is he alienating you from your family and friends? No, it's not sweet that he wants you all to himself. It is not healthy for him to control your every move; you are an individual who was not born attached to someone else's hip, nor should you be now.

2) Enjoys putting you down, especially in front of other people. Don't ever buy it when he says, "I was only joking!" It isn't funny, not for you and not for others witnessing the attack.

3) He suggests you modify your appearance. Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist from Canada. She tells the story of a potential partner who turned out to be not so nice, "You know something is wrong when a new man suggests you change something about yourself. I once dated a man and on the second date he asked if I would change my highlighted brown hair to red as he found red heads to be the sexiest of all women. If I had changed my hair color that would have been the beginning of many more manipulations where I gave away control of my Self. I would have given him power and acted as if I wasn't confident about how I look."

4) He loves taking the guys with him on your dates! How could you possibly put up with even one pal of his, who is bound to be inebriated by the end of the night along with Prince Charming, whom by this stage will more than likely be totally obnoxious and oblivious of your presence?

Judy Bolton and Wendy Bolton Floyd are sisters. They co-authored a great book titled "When Did You Know...He Was Not The One." Judy talked to me about the time she was attached to a man who cared more for his pals than his relationship, "I was married to my husband who unfortunately thought his friends and acquaintances were more important than his life with me and our two sons. It's one thing when you're a teenager and your friends are the most important thing in your life but when you're a mature adult and would rather hang out with your friends than assume adult responsibility than there is definitely a problem."
Hear that? It's those bells tolling...

5) He is difficult to get hold of. "When a man gets defensive about where he has been and who he has been with and gives weak excuses for being absent or very late a warning bell needs to be heard. If the man stopped for a haircut or to have his car washed there is no need for it to take half a day or for it to be a secret. While a suspicious attitude can frighten a man, being open and honest about his activities is a sign of not having secrets to hide", says Marilyn.

6) Avoids your friends and family and will not introduce you to his. What are the secrets that he is keeping? Perhaps he may fear your loved ones "may spot the creep" and warn you against him, or maybe, he just doesn't care! Bells will ring if you find there is a lot of mystery about his background. If you do encounter his loved ones keep an eye for their characters, it will say a lot about him too.

7) He is constantly complaining about money, or he is a miser with his finances. It does not equate happiness to be attached to someone who will question every penny you spend, especially when it's your own hard earned money! It is also a good idea to watch out for a guy who is absolutely hopeless with cash, wastes his own and then turns to you for loans, which of course are rarely repaid.

8) He is generally rude, especially to service people such as waiters and shop assistants. Does he anger easily? Watch out! This is a man with problems, who is not nice as you will more than likely discover later on as you pick your shattered heart off the floor or worse feel trapped in fear of him.

9) Now this is a big one! The tan mark: left hand, ring finger... Hello? Here go those bells again! He may tell you he is separated. He may not be lying, but if he is serious about you, I would suggest he takes a walk and returns to you with signed divorce papers, which brings me to the subject of children if he has any. Get very clear in regards as to when they visit, what the custody arrangements are and what his relationship boundaries are with the ex.
Of course if you have kids, please be very careful. It is not just your heart at risk here; children can be just as affected by break-ups.

10) He is not all that interested in sex. "A lack of interest in sex is a sign to be wary of if a woman is looking for a sexual partner. Many women seek well dressed and groomed men yet fail to ask if the man has had homosexual experiences. Often a gay man will seek out a powerful and beautiful woman as a cover for his sexual preference. He is not interested in her sexually but does want her as a cover”, says Marilyn. Gay men can make the best of friends, but romance? Be realistic. Hear this loud and clear. You cannot change him! It is up to the individual to reinvent himself, and in regards to his sexuality, that is something not even he can change. Of course a preoccupation with sex is a warning sign. Does he prefer lingerie at all times? Go for man that can appreciate warmer clothing, and is not overly concerned with how you look.

11) He suffers from constant blues unless he is in party mode. Big, big worry this one! Alcohol and substance abuse are not pretty and a co-dependant life is not a joyous one. If he is not happy unless he's high it becomes a deal breaker: "Get sober and stay sober on your own for the next 2 years, then call me and I am still available we'll talk." Seriously!

12) He puts his work before you most of the time. Since when is anything more important than you? If you don't believe you are to be number one at all times, you may need a little help to see that before you enter a relationship.

13) A bad sign is a guy who has an awful lot of exes who of course happen to be female (I hope) and are still hanging around and he claims that "it's okay for men and women to be just friends, so stop being so insecure." I once dated a man who was commitment phobic (oops, I hear bells again!) and on our second year, when I questioned his intentions towards me he accused me of being insecure and I bought it. So much so that I apologized to him! Do you believe it? I woke up to myself shortly thereafter and needless to say we were duly over. Who needs an idiot who says he loves you, but wants to keep his options open? "We need to see other people, no need to be exclusive." Rubbish! Don't ever settle for that unless it is what you want also.

14) You are always making excuses for him. You shouldn't have to do that. Watch out for the guy who gets defensive when you question him. "Attacks in responses to your questions needs to set of an alarm that this man is not accountable for his actions", says Marilyn.

15) Finally, trust your intuition. You know that gut feeling; the one that tells you that all is not well? Don't ignore it. It's more than likely more trustworthy than any man. If a male makes you feel anxious, insecure sad and generally feel not so good about yourself, stop and listen and you will certainly hear the sound of those bells. Remember, relationships, romantic or otherwise are to enhance your life, not make it more difficult.

I challenge you to consider this; the right person for you to fall in love with right now is you. It is only when you truly care about yourself that you will make only the best choices and have the clear vision to see through deception and unacceptable behavior.
One more thing; run for the hills should those bells start ringing!


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