My Time With Judy

Some of us spend our lives looking for a mentor, someone who can teach us the most valuable lessons for our lives and then something happens and we realize that the teacher had been there all along. Everyday we encounter people and they generally come into our lives for a reason whether we understand that at the time or not.

Her name is Judy and her intelligence and wisdom sparkled in her eyes. She was a mother to six and a grandmother to thirteen. She led a normal life with ups and downs with her husband of around 50 years. Together they raised the large family she was so very proud of. She worked outside the home during a time and I am sure with such a big brood to take care of, things would have been pretty tough, but that glorious spirit never ever stopped shining.

Our dear close relative was diagnosed with cancer earlier in the year and when we saw her last, two months ago, she looked different, she was bedridden but her spirit was so strong; it was soaring as she lay in her bed and was organizing everyone around her to take care of things, to tie her loose ends, because, you see, her faith was solid and she had come to what was possibly the most peaceful time of her life. You see, she was practicing acceptance. She had come to terms with the inevitable and accepted it; she vowed to leave it all up to God now as she found herself in a situation neither she, nor anyone else could control. She did not want to reach the end of her time on earth fighting outcomes; instead she made the wise choice to enjoy every precious second she could muster with her loved ones as she sat up in her bed as best she could beaming with pride and she observed her husband, their children and grandchildren.

We live a long away from her and I was taken aback when I visited her, not by her appearance – I was prepared for the changes- but her attitude, her acquiescence.

The phone rang early in the morning and we knew that the beautiful light had gone out for sure. I looked at my husband, his eyes were red and he looked tired and old; he was neither of those things a few months ago and I know he will come back to his young self again; right now he is exhausted by his feelings. He has lost his mum. We found out that she had passed and that peaceful energy is gone, the smile, the blue determined eyes are closed. She is no longer breathing. We were unable to be there with her when her light went out and what a bright light it was!

This is about a life, a rich and full life. A life lived with integrity, pride and above all love. There are a lot of people touched by this tragedy and a lot of individuals grieving and reacting to the injustice of this disease.

Why? Why her? Why now? These are the questions that always comes to mind at times like these. I have been told it’s God’s will and everything happens for a reason and there is a basis for all of this, we as mere mortals are not expected to know what that is. I admit that I find that a little hard to acknowledge at present and for that I apologise.

The end can come for any of us at any time. It does not discriminate age, sex or gender. So is there no way of knowing if or when it is going to be our turn.

Judy was not a perfect person, nobody is, but her positivity was an all calming influence to anyone who knew her. You could not help but relax around her.

It is now that she had gone that I have come to realize what a precious teacher she was and I have regrets. Life is busy and we did not spend a great deal of time talking. Whenever we came together, which unfortunately was not often enough due to the distance between us, we would connect so well. We were dissimilar people but she truly was like a dear mother to me. I never told her any of this, even after her grim diagnosis. My reasons were based on denial on my part. I could not practice what she did so well, acceptance. Intellectually I knew what was happening to her, but I was paralysed by another part of me who would not come to terms with the situation and had me convinced that we would spend this Christmas with her, because such an essence could not possibly die; but it did, or at least has moved on and I so desperately need to trust that one day we will convene again and I will again experience her all soothing influence.

My time with Judy, while she was sick, taught me one of the most valuable life lessons, the only time you will ever a have is now. That’s it. Tomorrow will not be here until then and yesterday is nothing but a memory and that is exactly how she spent her last few weeks, revelling in the attention, enjoying being looked after. “I feel like a queen, sitting here in my bed, watching T.V. all day and look,” she said as she picked up a silver bell from the bedside table, “all I need to do is ring this and someone will come running to see what it is that I am needing, how lucky am I?"

Lucky… Judy considered herself lucky. It is not to say that it is fortunate to be bedbound and sick but it is the way we perceive situations in our lives that determine our happiness. It is about choosing how we see circumstances. Judy could have spent her last days miserably feeling sorry for herself and despising her condition and this would have prevented her from the beautiful precious time she had with her loved ones, memories made from love for all of us to treasure.

She became excited at the prospect of reuniting in the after life with a grandchild who died several years ago and she genuinely could not wait for the encounter. Judy’s faith was a precious gift.

Judy was an amazing person who worked hard at preparing her loved ones for a life without her. She gave away jewellery and clothing to whomever she chose so she could see the look on their face as they received the gift; she did not want family members to deal with all that, because she knew how much she was loved and how difficult it would be for her kin to go through all her things while in the depth of grief.

We caught a plane two days after she passed and upon our arrival to her house on the day of the funeral I was handed a box containing a few pieces of jewellery Judy had chosen for my daughter and I. She had everything so amazingly well thought out.

What can I do? What can I say? What should I be doing? The rug has been pulled out from under me and I am at a loss as to how to handle it. How do we put one foot in front of the other now?

This was a warm, courageous, wise and spiritual woman who will of course be dearly missed and who has left a significant legacy. I sincerely hope that by my life’s end I can put into practice even a small portion of her warmth, positivity and acceptance.

Thank you Judy, you have changed who I am,you have made me better and I love you.

R.I.P.

Your Precious "Now"

“Look at what happened in the Past. Learn something valuable from it. Do things differently in the present." Spencer Johnson (Author, The Present, The One Minute Manager, Who Moved My Cheese?)

You are the sum of all the choices and experiences of your past. This is a good thing; all the lessons you have learned and the people you have loved. The drawback is that in your past lie your demons, your fears, insecurities and hurts. You are who you are right now. Think about it; there is no other time except for this present moment, the past is over and cannot be relived or undone and the future cannot be experienced in the present and no amount of thought or worry can change that fact.



According to Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddha likens this sentiment to “living alone”. This is a short excerpt from the book “Our Appointment with Life: The Buddha's Teaching on Living in the moment. (Thich Nhat Hanh)
“To live alone does not mean to reject the world and society. The Buddha said that living alone means living in the present moment deeply observing what is happening. If we do that, we will not be dragged into the past or swept away into thoughts about the future. The Buddha said that if we cannot live in the present moment, even if we are alone in deepest forest, we are not really alone. He said that if we are fully alive in the present moment, even if we are in a crowded urban area, we can still be said to be living alone.”

Have you been in a conversation or watching TV only to realize that you have not heard anything that has been said? When this happens you are not present you are not here. You are temporarily residing elsewhere. It means you are missing out on the Precious Now. Seizing the present is a habit that can be learned over time; being totally aware of right now, your surroundings, your feelings. Good or bad now is all you’ve got. It is a choice to hold onto to every moment as it were your last. You don’t want to come to the end of your life with the knowledge that your life has not been all that it could be. If you don’t saviour now when we will you?

I have a habit of worrying about things and a lot of the time it is future events. I can sit and waste my Precious Now stressing about what may or may not happen. My lesson is: If I cannot do anything about it at this moment why worry? If something can be done the wisest way to spend my time right now is by taking positive action. It makes sense but it takes practice to implement in every day life. Whenever I become aware of my mind straying to a past or future event, my affirmation is “Confine yourself to the present”. After all, what we do in the present is the only thing that is going to affect the future so worry in this instant is useless.

One of the most significant things in life is the ability to forgive. Forgiveness does not entail condoning bad behaviour, it just conduces letting go of the resentment behind it. There is no better way to waste your Precious Now than focusing on something that happened in the past no matter how hurtful.

It’s ok to be sorry and to wish you hadn’t done something but guilt, just like worry is a complete waste one’s time. Learn from your mistakes, they are yours and you’re entitled to them; look at them as valuable lessons and move on. Let go of judgment. There is only now and there is no right or wrong. Mistakes are lessons and they are not wrong. People, animals and things just are, they are not good and they are not bad they just are.

Shakyamuni, the Buddha once said’ “ If one comes across a person who as shot an arrow, one does not spend time wondering about were the arrow came from, or the caste of the individual who shot it, or analyzing what type of wood the shaft is made of, or the manner in which the arrowhead was fashioned. Rather, one should focus on immediately pulling out the arrow.”

A work of genius, a book titled The Power Of Now was written by Eckhart Tolle. He says “Do you really know what is positive and what is negative? Do you have the total picture? There have been many people for whom limitation, failure, loss, illness, or pain in whatever form turned out to be their greatest teacher. It taught them to let go of false self- images and superficial ego-dictated goals and desires. It gave them depth, humility and compassion. It made them more real. Whenever anything negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it, although you may not see it at the time.”




Tolle says that happiness depends on the perception of outer conditions being positive, but inner peace does not, and he goes as far to say that being free of psychological time is one of the tools to inner peace. He states that psychological time is a mental disease such as always wanting to be somewhere else other than in your life, viewing fulfillment by short term pleasures such as sex food alcohol drugs etc... and always trying to achieve and acquire “stuff”. All of this, he says, distorts the reality of the Now, which is all you are ever going to have. He advises using clock time for practical matters and in order to fit into society and returning to present moment awareness as soon as the practicalities have been dealt with so that we don’t build up psychological time “which is identification with the past and continuous compulsive projection into the future.”

Think about all the things you really want versus what you need which is always peace in the now. Have you ever coveted something material only to still feel unfulfilled when you finally got it?

One may be inclined to consider “What the heck if all I have is now; I’m going to live a hedonistic life and focus only on my pleasure.” The true Zen would not say “Enjoy yourself now for you are a long time dead”; because the moment you think about your death you have ceased living in the now. True peace is not what is happening on the outside, but what is occurring on in the inside. That is not to say that one should not make plans and set goals. It just means that remembering that the journey is all we have and without the goals we would not have the journey. Life does not always flow according to plan so it is also wise to accept that things may not always go they way we expect. Acceptance of the Now does not mean resigning to situations we find unpleasant. We can focus on the present moment without judgment, therefore clearing our mind for positive action.

I am of the opinion that, like time, age does not really exist. I’m not just stating this because I want to ignore my wrinkles and not face the fact that I am getting older, but if peace is inward the wrinkles do not exist. How many times have we heard elderly people say, "I don’t feel any different now than I did when I was 20”? It is because the mind and spirit cannot age and when your body dies my belief is that the essential YOU will not.

The key is to spend each and every moment being our best self, everything else doesn’t matter. With anything that relates to growth a shift has to occur in our hearts and mind in order to become aware of our now. Although balance is the key we can learn that the greatest power is now and if we are going to spend time worrying, let’s think instead about how we can make valuable changes in the world; to lend a hand and to take care of our earth. That is something we can do at this moment and the joy and peace that it will bring cannot be duplicated by all the riches in the world.

Do not pursue the past.
Do not lose yourself in the future.
The past no longer is.
The future has not yet come.
Looking deeply at life as it is
in the very here and now,
the practitioner dwells
in stability and freedom
We must be diligent today.
To wait until tomorrow is too late,
Death comes unexpectedly.
How can we bargain with it?
The sage calls a person who knows
how to dwell in mindfulness night and day "one who knows the better way to live alone."Thich Nhat Hanh, Our Appointment With Life: The Buddha's Teaching on Living in the Present.