What You Think of Me Is None of My Business

How we feel about ourselves is more important than how others feel about us. (From The Book of Positive Quotations by John Cook, Steve Deger and Leslie Ann Gibson)

“What You Think of Me Is None of My Business” is the title of a book published in 1979 by Terry Cole-Whittaker a minister who founded an independent New Thought church in San Diego, California. I read this book several years ago and I have never forgotten the title.

Going through life constantly perturbed about what others think of you is a very painful and anxious way to live. Dr Wayne Dyer says “Needing approval is tantamount to saying, your view of me is more important than my own opinion of myself.”

Why is it that some of us believe that others generally know better?

One way to look at this self defeating habit is to consider the amount of our present moments that are wasted trying to win approval from other people. There is nothing wrong with enjoying praise, but needing it to survive is not a healthy option. Sometimes I don’t think we are even aware whose approval we are actually seeking. We are so used to saying “they”. “They say it should be done this way”, “They say that’s not right”. Who are “they”? Are "they" smarter than us, wiser? “They” are not real; we have created them in order to mask our insecurities.

Bishop M. Christopher Wilson is a Professional Speaker, Seminar Facilitator, Leadership Consultant and a Life & Spiritual Coach. On March 29 2008 he posted this on http://wilsonleadership.blogspot.com/:

“YOU Don’t Need Approval!
News Alert: You can live without the approval of others! You will never truly love what you do if your need for approval from others becomes more important than enjoying what you’re doing. I preach because I love it! I write because I love it! Do what you do to be great in the eyes of God not men. This is when God can trust you with the desires of you heart.”

For the majority of us seeking approval stemmed from our parents and it is perfectly natural to want your parents to be proud of you, but sadly some of us received constant criticism and put-downs instead of the coveted accolades we so desperately needed while growing up. We moved from home to school where as Dr Dyer puts it, “The student has been trained to do it for someone else, to please the professor, and to measure up to someone else’s standards. His queries are the end product of a system that demands approval-seeking for survival. He is terrified of thinking for himself. It is just easier and safer to do what someone else expects.”

I strongly believe in the value of education but schools are institutions where children learn about being controlled and obliging and to do as they are told at all times, so a low self esteem will go from a dysfunctional home to a place where he or she is not expected to be too individual. For a person who does not possess a high level of confidence, parents, and places like school, church and work can be where it is much easier to abandon thinking for oneself therefore making external opinions the only measure. Of course all these institutions are extremely valuable to society and a healthy self esteem should be able to balance between conforming to rules and independent thinking.

Marianne Williamson says in “A Return To Love” , “As children, we were taught to be “good “ boys and girls, which of course implies we were no that already. We were taught that we’re good if we clean up our room, or we’re good if we make good grades. Very few of us were taught that we’re essentially good. Very few of us were given a sense of unconditional approval, a feeling that we’re precious because of what we are, not what we do. And that’s not because we were raised by monsters. We were raised by people who were raised they way we were. Sometimes, in fact, it was the people who loved us the most who felt it was their responsibility to train us to struggle.”

Our loved ones instilled fear in us, not because as Marianne says, they are evil, but because by attempting to teach us to be “good” and measure up to the external they instilled in us the fear of not being good enough.

When I was around 18 I went shopping by myself and I noticed a pair of pink jeans (I know! They were trendy at the time!). I tried the jeans on and I loved them. I proceeded to the cashier in order to buy them when a thought stopped me on my tracks, “My friend Fiona will not like these...” and I immediately turned around and placed the pants back on the display stand. Right there I made someone else’s opinion more important than my own.

Why do we do that? Why can we not trust our own judgment? Why can we not trust ourselves? We are bombarded every day with messages about what we should be doing in our lives. Television is another great influencer.

Who is the judge? How do we know when something is a mistake or when it is a valuable life lesson or a reason for consequence? Our ego is generally the decider. Let’s begin caring about ourselves. We were created perfect. We are perfect. We stem form the Universe and that is perfect, just the way it is. Our actions and behaviours don’t always come across as such, but how are we to judge if they are mistakes?

Imagine the freedom we would experience if we eliminated judgments and labels on our every thought and action. If our intent in this world is to do good, that should be enough.

Lets us stop being so hard on ourselves. Let’s allow the wonderful spirit that we are to shine without the masks. You see, at the end of the day you won't ever really know what others are thinking, because just like yours, their thoughts and feelings are truly personal. It is you who decides what he or she thinks about you.

Next time you cringe at the idea of what another’s opinion may be say this to yourself; “What this person thinks of me is none of my business, besides I don’t even know what he or she is thinking.”

The Dalai Lama has several systems for training the mind to overcome anxiety such as always being motivated by altruism which will take the focus off yourself and observing as an outsider and ascertaining that your intent is always sincere and that you mean no harm.

If your intention in this life is to be the best you can be just as you are and you lend a hand to another soul every once in a while you are perfect.

German classical Scholar and Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) once said, “Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.” It’s time to tie “Ego” to a lamppost, walk away and be free, he’ll always be there, but he does not have to go everywhere with you.

"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval." (Mark Twain)

Recommended reading

• 365 Steps to Self Confidence by David Preston
• The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self-Confidence by Robert Anthony
• What You Think of Me Is None of My Business by Terry Cole-Whittaker


How To Find The Secrets To Your Self-esteem!